September is coming up quickly. It’s hard to believe it has almost been a year since Benjamin was in our arms and I find myself wishing I’d held him just a little bit longer, kissed him one more time, mentally traced and memorized his face again. But I know it still wouldn’t have been enough. I’d always wish I’d held him again.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what we were doing a year ago. Every thought begins and ends with, “Well, he was alive.”
When we were at the funeral home, I knew his body was there. I didn’t want to know where because I was afraid I’d just pick him up and leave. When I first held his urn in my hands, it hit me that the chance to hold him again and kiss his face was gone. That would be the first time of many that I’d wish I’d held him again.
To be honest, I’m struggling with his upcoming first birthday. We don’t know what to do. There are so many options – balloon release, butterfly release, plant a tree, etc. – but it’s either not the right weather or just not right for us. We will probably do a delayed tree planting when the weather is right and Paisley is ready for a trip up north. Most likely it will be an apple tree. Apples, apple sauce, apple pie, apple cider – these were Ben’s top requests while in utero.
As for September 15th, I think we’ll just take it easy, think of him, and wish he could be here…just like we always do.
Paisley picked the right time to start really smiling. She brings so much joy into our lives on a daily basis and her smile can brighten the grayest of skies.
From her one-month: