A post on the beautiful Lights for Benjamin event is forthcoming, but for now, we want to let you in on some very exciting news!
We are expecting a healthy baby boy! The results from the CVS came in today. They took two weeks–twice as long as Paisley’s. Eddie and I woke up with a horrible feeling in the pit of our stomachs this morning as we were concerned it was taking so long because something was very wrong.
I’ve chewed my bottom lip raw, have barely eaten the last few days (although the major food aversions played a part in that), and slept horribly last night. I had dreams of every possible outcome, except the good one. I dreamed he inherited my balanced translocation–not ideal, but still okay. I dreamed he had Benjamin’s unbalanced translocation. I dreamed he inherited my balanced translocation AND had a new, random unbalanced translocation. I dreamed they told us it would be another week until the results were in. And I woke up after every dream, tossing and turning all night long.
We learned last week that he was a boy when the preliminary results came in. I started thinking about a nursery, looking up baby boy clothes, and imagining Paisley as a big sister to a little brother. She loves babies, and I know she’ll love him. Her word of the week is “baby,” and she says it with the sweetest voice. She babbles and points to my belly, right where he is. Intuition is real, you guys.
Then I feared that all this planning for a boy was making it too real. I was afraid it would only hurt more if things went bad. I was terrified of the choice we’d have to make if that happened. I felt horrible for risking it, but a friend reminded me this morning that if we hadn’t been strong enough to take a risk, Paisley wouldn’t exist. How very true.
I sought balanced translocation support groups on Facebook and found a few. I asked for tips on getting through the wait. Everyone there knew what we were going through and said the only relief is knowing. By the beginning of this week, I was slowly falling apart. It only got worse when the lab told our perinatologist there would be a delay in the results. Thursday, they said. I actually got sick when they told us that.
We weren’t even this nervous when we were waiting for Paisley’s results, but I suspect we were still very much in shock over the loss of Ben. This time, we felt every ounce of worry. My stomach hasn’t been in such tight knots since we were waiting for Ben to arrive.
A boy. We get to look forward to bringing home a healthy boy.
Oliver Benjamin Santeford, we can’t wait to meet you this Spring. Just breathe, baby boy.