When we were waiting for the results from the amniocentesis, it was different. We were still innocent in the world of chromosome abnormalities and although there was worry, it wasn’t the same as it is this time around. There is a very real danger that things could go horribly wrong again, and it’s terrifying. We’ve already beaten the odds of early miscarriage (41%), and now there’s just another 10-15% that we have to outrun. Most of the time, I’m positive. But there’s something about the night that shines a bright light on my fear. Sometimes I just can’t put it down.
At the car wash, a Massage Envy gift card and a gift certificate for a haircut were given to me, and I intend to use them this week to try and relax just a bit. Many thanks to the gift givers.
This feeling reminds me of the time spent waiting, in between finding out about Ben’s unbalanced translocation and his birth. It’s not the same, but it’s a familiar taste. It’s excruciating. We are waiting to find out if this baby is going to live or not. That’s a very big deal and I just want to get to the point of knowing, but part of me wants to stay in a place where everything might be okay. Because if it isn’t, well…I’m sure I’ll give anything to come back to today so I can imagine that it’s all okay again. And then there’s the chance that everything will be okay. Round and round we go.
Today, as I was out running errands, a new song played on my iPod. It hasn’t played since I loaded the album. Or maybe I just wasn’t listening before. Either way, today was the first time I really gave it a listen, and it made me think of the days leading up to delivering Benjamin. I played it over and over again and cried good, healing tears. It was an odd feeling, wanting it all to be over, but wishing it didn’t have to happen at all. The song seems to be about a long-distance relationship, but it really spoke to me regarding that incredibly pivotal moment of our lives. Lyrics below the video.
“Send Me The Moon”
Sara Bareilles
Holding my breath
Last one I’ve got left
’til I see you
Pieces and parts of me left
Every last day seemed to carry the weight
Of a lifetime
I watched from the ground
As the gold fluttered down from the skySweet sun
Send me the moon
Empty the skies out
Bringing me one step closer to you
Send it soon
And I will breathe in, breathe out
Until you come in and out
Of view
Of view
Inches away from you
Scared what I’ll take from you, darling
I can live with your ghost
If you say that’s the most I’ll get
Darkness to light
Moved from day into night to be near you
Still here I stand
I am sinking like sand in your sea
Sweet sun
Send me the moon
Empty the skies out
Bringing me one step closer to you
Send it soon
And I will breathe in, breathe out
Until you come in and out
Of view
Of view
You already do
Never you mind where the evening should find us
Together
Distance can’t take what is hidden here
Safe in my chest
I’ll wait for the day when
We finally say now or never
Till then I’ll be here wanting more
As I settle for atmosphere
Sweet sun
Send me the moon
Empty the skies out
Bringing me one step closer to you
Send it soon
And I will breathe in, breathe out
Until you come in and out
Of view
Of view
Kelly said:
I have been following your story since before Benjamin was born and I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been thinking about you. I admire your strength and pray that you get great news with the test results.
Eva said:
Thank you, Kelly. ❤ Very sweet of you to keep up with what's happening and for keeping us in your thoughts. Very appreciated.
BRANDI BERG said:
Finally I am down at a computer and can type! I’ve been reading most of the updates via my cell phone and keying is a pain. I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of all of you. Please let me know if you need anything, I am always here for you and Ed. The song is absolutely beautiful and the words def bring a tear to my eye. I am keeping you in my prayers. Hold tight lil lady. ❤ muah
Eva said:
Brandi ❤ You are awesome. I know you're always there for us and I hope you know we are always here for you too. You're an amazing friend to have.
Angiee said:
I clicked on your page (procrastinating sleep, why?) after your PERFECT comment on Emily G—–‘s facebook to the closed-minded woman who posted about gay marriage being wrong. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you, even though I don’t know you, because you are a good person. I know this only by what you wrote but the world needs more open-minded, thoughtful and caring people like you especially lately with all the hatred being spewed by so-called righteous people. I hope all the best for you and your family.
Eva said:
😉 I saw a lot of her comments and something had to be said. As you can probably tell, my feelings about that particular topic (religion, not homosexuality) have changed quite a bit over the last few months.
Glad you connected with it and thanks for coming here to read our story – and for thinking of us. ❤
flavia (farn SC) said:
Thinking of you and hoping the next days fly by !! ❤ Flavia