When we were waiting for the results from the amniocentesis, it was different.  We were still innocent in the world of chromosome abnormalities and although there was worry, it wasn’t the same as it is this time around.  There is a very real danger that things could go horribly wrong again, and it’s terrifying.  We’ve already beaten the odds of early miscarriage (41%), and now there’s just another 10-15% that we have to outrun.  Most of the time, I’m positive.  But there’s something about the night that shines a bright light on my fear.  Sometimes I just can’t put it down.

At the car wash, a Massage Envy gift card and a gift certificate for a haircut were given to me, and I intend to use them this week to try and relax just a bit.  Many thanks to the gift givers.

This feeling reminds me of the time spent waiting, in between finding out about Ben’s unbalanced translocation and his birth.  It’s not the same, but it’s a familiar taste.  It’s excruciating.  We are waiting to find out if this baby is going to live or not.  That’s a very big deal and I just want to get to the point of knowing, but part of me wants to stay in a place where everything might be okay.  Because if it isn’t, well…I’m sure I’ll give anything to come back to today so I can imagine that it’s all okay again.  And then there’s the chance that everything will be okay.  Round and round we go.

Today, as I was out running errands, a new song played on my iPod.  It hasn’t played since I loaded the album.  Or maybe I just wasn’t listening before.  Either way, today was the first time I really gave it a listen, and it made me think of the days leading up to delivering Benjamin.  I played it over and over again and cried good, healing tears.  It was an odd feeling, wanting it all to be over, but wishing it didn’t have to happen at all.  The song seems to be about a long-distance relationship, but it really spoke to me regarding that incredibly pivotal moment of our lives.  Lyrics below the video.

“Send Me The Moon”
Sara Bareilles

Holding my breath
Last one I’ve got left
’til I see you

Deliver my heart with the
Pieces and parts of me left
Every last day seemed to carry the weight
Of a lifetime
I watched from the ground
As the gold fluttered down from the skySweet sun
Send me the moon
Empty the skies out
Bringing me one step closer to you
Send it soon
And I will breathe in, breathe out
Until you come in and out
Of view
Of view

Inches away from you
Scared what I’ll take from you, darling
I can live with your ghost
If you say that’s the most I’ll get

Darkness to light
Moved from day into night to be near you
Still here I stand
I am sinking like sand in your sea

Sweet sun
Send me the moon
Empty the skies out
Bringing me one step closer to you
Send it soon
And I will breathe in, breathe out
Until you come in and out
Of view
Of view

You already do
Never you mind where the evening should find us
Together
Distance can’t take what is hidden here
Safe in my chest

I’ll wait for the day when
We finally say now or never
Till then I’ll be here wanting more
As I settle for atmosphere

Sweet sun
Send me the moon
Empty the skies out
Bringing me one step closer to you
Send it soon
And I will breathe in, breathe out
Until you come in and out
Of view
Of view

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