Thanksgiving went well for us.  We decided to make some steak instead of the standard turkey, even though Eddie makes the most fabulous turkey I’ve ever tasted.

From the moment we knew about the CDH and, therefore, even just the possibility of Ben not surviving, Thanksgiving scared me.  The thought of the first round holidays with our first child was such a beautiful idea, so I was mourning that as well.  Still am.

We sat down for dinner and it was very quiet.  We barely spoke.  Then I took a bite of my bread roll and said, “These are really good rolls, honey.”  That was when I just lost it.  For a moment, I was angry.

There should have been another person at our table.  And that person would have just started finding his adorable smile.  I would have been thankful for that.

This experience doesn’t take away from my gratefulness for him.  He was here.  I was his mommy, and in spite of it all, I feel lucky for that.  I got to hold him, in one way or another, for his entire life.  From the very beginning to the very end.  Wow.

Tomorrow afternoon is the follow-up ultrasound.  Still nauseous, still hungry, still moody.  Just wishing for a heartbeat.

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