We came home on Monday.
I think we’re doing better than anyone – including us – expected. I attribute a lot of it to the time spent with family before and after everything happened as well as the time we spent alone, just stewing in misery over what was about to happen. Obviously, we’re far from happy about the way things are…but we know that there’s nothing we could have done to change it then and there’s nothing we can do about it now.
His nursery is on the other side of the wall from where I sit. We haven’t gone in his room. Before we left for Philadelphia, I put all baby-related stuff in there. I figured it would either hurt to see it all when we walked in the house without Benjamin, or it would feel good to bring it all back out while he napped in his carrier. Either way, it’s a good thing we did that. We can go inside when we’re ready for that wave.
There are moments where it hurts more than others, and all of the reasons are selfish. I wanted him…so much. I still do. I want him here, with us, alive and comfortable and growing. We are forever grateful to him for the time he spent with us, but damn it – anything short of the rest of our lives just doesn’t seem like enough.
I saw a new OB yesterday to get checked out. Everything has healed, physically. Not knowing our situation, the doctor walked in and said, “I thought I was going to see a baby!” and I explained to her what had happened. She wanted to see pictures of Benjamin, so I showed them to her. Of course she said he was beautiful. Then she asked me if, knowing what we do now, would we have changed anything? The answer is no. At least not anything I had control over. If I had the power to go back in time and somehow fix the chromosome issues that caused ALL of this, I absolutely would have changed that. But as far as the decisions we made with the “options” we had (if that’s what you can call them – options), they were all made with Benjamin as the one and only priority.
We received the rest of the pictures from the night he was born. I cannot believe that I was hesitant about having Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come in; looking at those pictures brought me right back to that night…and Benjamin didn’t seem quite so far away anymore.
Here’s a quote my friend shared with me that I found incredibly comforting:
“They say that time in heaven is compared to ‘the blink of an eye’ for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I’ll already be there.” – author unknown
Visualizing this has made my heart swell, almost in the same way it did when I first saw his face. I cannot wait to hold his beautiful hand again one day while he leads me through that field of wildflowers and butterflies.