I miss him.

Eddie misses him.  He was humming his name in his sleep; I could just barely make out the sound of “Benjamin” in his murmuring, again and again.  It was heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time.  What a wonderful father.

My body doesn’t know he’s missing.  His milk came in today and the pressure is a constant reminder that he’s not here…but then again, it’s also proof that he was here.

He’s everywhere.  Dandelion puffs are absolutely everywhere.  On the side of the road, on a billboard, in a commercial.  The night (or early morning?) my parents came home from the hospital, they heard an owl outside the house.  (The connection is his nursery theme and the owls on the onesie he wore the night he was born.)

Seeing all of the lives that his tiny life has touched makes the dandelion puff even more appropriate.  I know that in the days following his passing away, people held their children a little bit tighter.  People who never met him, never met us, friends of friends of friends of friends reached out in sorrow for the loss of Benjamin, realizing how quickly a life can begin and end.  As my uncle Tombo said to me today, “Fifteen minutes can be a lifetime.”  In his fifteen-minute lifetime, our son left an adorable little footprint in thousands of hearts.  I couldn’t be more proud of him.

We met with the funeral director yesterday.  They had picked Benjamin up from the hospital on Saturday and he was at the funeral home.  They waived the cost of transporting him and keeping him, and they’re working on having the cost of cremation waived as well.  It’s a beautiful and compassionate gesture, but it goes to show how terrible it is when a child dies.  This is what the funeral home does; it’s their business, and yet they won’t charge for it.

His memorial service will be on Thursday afternoon.  We’ve been working on the plans with my mom today and I know it’s going to be a beautiful way for everyone to say goodbye.  It is closed to family only as it is being held in a private home with limited space.

Eddie and I have talked very seriously about creating a book after the overwhelming urge from so many people in comments and in private conversation.  It would be another way for Benjamin’s story to reach more people, offer other parents facing similar situations with their children to feel not-so-alone, and hopefully help us both heal.  These blog entries will be a starting point (as will the general pregnancy blog) and I’ll expand from there.  I’ll still post to this blog throughout the healing process as that is an important part of all of this.

I’m sharing another picture of him.  We had this one printed very large for the memorial service and I simply can’t stop looking at him.  I told Eddie I didn’t know if I loved his nose, lips, or fingers more – and he said he wasn’t going to make a decision.  ❤  I’m with him.  (Courtesy of Jen Capone Photography in Philadelphia.)