On September 15, 2011, at 2:10 AM, my water broke. I knew immediately that there was no going back, no delaying what was about to happen. The first thing I said after calling Eddie over to me was, “I don’t want to do this.” He said, “I know. But we need to get to the hospital.”
I had been watching a show where they were talking about the next Bachelor, whose name is Ben. They kept saying his name, over and over again. I pictured my Ben as a grown man, looking for love (although I hope it would have been through different ways than reality television…). I turned it off because I couldn’t take it anymore. I stood up to take a shower before going to bed, and that’s when it happened.
It’s important to mention that I’m so grateful that he decided it was time to come. We didn’t induce, we didn’t force it. We didn’t rush into this moment in an attempt to spare ourselves the hurt of waiting. We just waited for him.
I waited in the truck while Eddie packed up our things. It was, of course, one of the few times that we didn’t have everything ready to go at a moment’s notice. We drove to the hospital, and I was so grateful that it was the middle of the night and there was no traffic. Some very small, painless contractions started while we were on the way there. I called ahead and the nurses started preparing for us to arrive. We were put in the same room where I was when we got the news about the chromosomal abnormality and canceled the induction a week and a half before.
The hours in between consisted of a lot of the normal things that happen when waiting to deliver a baby. We got to listen to his heart beating for a little while and recorded the sound on my phone.
I think it was about 10:00 AM when they started the Pitocin to help labor progress. I was at 4 centimeters and my natural contractions had stopped coming at a regular pace. The Pitocin certainly did its job.
Around 6:00 PM, all of my parents came in, along with my brother, Guy, and my grandfather, Dwayne. Everybody had the same emotion on their faces: excitement, fear, and sadness. If ever there was an elephant in the room, this was it. This was also around the time that things became very real for us; the time was getting very close, and we were about to see exactly how things would unfold. It’s something all of us have been wondering and worrying about for quite a while now…and being this close to it was pretty surreal. For everyone.
The doctor predicted that I’d start pushing around 8:00 PM, and he was pretty close. At 8:45 PM, I was almost fully dilated and 15 minutes away from pushing. I wanted to wear my contacts so that I could see him as clearly as possible when he came out, but I had forgotten that I used lotion…so when I put my contacts in, they were very cloudy. Eddie ran to the truck (which was 6 floors down, in a parking garage) and brought me a new pair of contacts. Much better.
At 9:00 PM, I started pushing. I will just say that this experience included all kinds of new sensations. Eddie was an incredible coach, just as much a part of delivery as I was. I remember thanking everyone for not screaming at me to push, as I had seen in so many TLC birthing shows.
At 9:50 PM, he was crowning…and Dr. Z was called in. I’m sure that it only took him five minutes to put his gear on and get ready, but it seemed like five hours. We had the most amazing midwife, Karen. I was a little worried at first because I was hoping we’d have one of the midwives we’d already met the night we came in, but now I wouldn’t have traded her for anyone in the world. She made us laugh at a time where smiling was difficult. She knew exactly what she was doing and exactly what we needed. I heard her tell one of the nurses to tell Dr. Z, “Tell him to get in here; we’re having a baby!”
I physically could not wait any longer and had to push, so Karen caught our baby boy.
I have always wondered how mothers seem to completely forget the pain involved in delivering a baby. It seems so impossible that something that huge could happen to your body and have the memory of the pain associated with it just melt away. And yet, it did. I saw the back of his head before he was even all the way out, and yet there was no pain. Just him. Now I understand.
He didn’t cry. He didn’t move. I was terrified that he hadn’t made it, even for a short time. But the nurse checked and he was alive.
They placed him on my chest and it was as if I had been lifted into a different world, very far away from what was about to happen. His beautiful face, his red lips, his soft chest, his long arms, and tiny versions of his father’s fingers. He smelled like campfire and marshmallows.
Eddie was able to cut the cord – an experience he was not going to have if Benjamin had been intubated and passed to the NICU team. Karen told me she was going to deliver the placenta and needed to do a few stitches, and that I didn’t need to pay attention to what she was doing. I barely heard her.
Eddie was all around us, one arm behind me and the other around Benjamin. We both told him how much we love him, how beautiful and amazing he is. We kissed his head and hands and rubbed his cheeks and forehead. He heard us, and responded to our voices. And with each tiny movement, our hearts soared.
At 10:16 PM, a doctor from the NICU checked for a heart beat. He whispered, “I’m not hearing anything. He’s not with us any longer.” My heart was swollen with love and broken with loss. We thanked him for the time he spent with us, and told him again how much we love him and how incredibly proud of him we will always be.
Our family came in two at a time to see him, touch him, and say goodbye to him. They had all just become grandparents, an uncle, and a great-grandfather.
The photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came in. She was incredibly compassionate. I’ve received a few of the pictures she had taken and they are incredible; I can’t wait to see the rest of them.
Eddie bathed him, and did such an incredible job. The nurses were still talking about it the next morning. Benjamin’s skin was so soft and perfect.
Before we said goodbye, I told him that my godmother, Bubby, and my best friend that passed away as a teenager, Jason, were already looking for him. That they’d take good care of him until we got there.
For a while, the joy of meeting him seemed to alleviate some of the pain of losing him. The realization of what has happened comes in waves. The problem with having a baby that you don’t get to keep is that he leaves your body, you spend some time with him, and then he’s gone. I have found myself subconciously reaching for my stomach to feel him, and where my hand used to rest is already gone. It’s like walking down the stairs and missing a step; your foot is expecting a surface, but it just keeps going down…and you know that you’re going down with it.
I was discharged this afternoon. My body seems to agree with delivery and I’m simply a little bit sore, mostly from pushing. They gave us the option of staying another night, but we agreed that we wanted to leave. So we packed up our things and walked down to the truck. I realized on the way that we were leaving without our son, but with a box full of the only tangible memories we’ll ever have with him. As I said, it comes in waves.
In 15 minutes and no words, Benjamin taught me many things. But the most amazing lesson was about miracles. Everybody, including us, was hoping for some kind of miracle. That there was some kind of mistake and we would somehow enter this parallel universe that would allow him to survive. And as he crowned, for second I thought that there was no other way for things to be – that there had to be a miracle. That he would be okay.
I realized, looking down at his peaceful, angelic, perfect face…that the miracle had already happened. The fact that he was conceived after three long years of waiting, every kick, every smile he brought to our faces and so many others, and that he held on long enough to meet us, if only for the most incredible, amazing, breathtaking 15 minutes of our lives. All along, it was him. He was and is a miracle.
We love you so much, my darling Benjamin. We miss you dearly.
Date of Birth: September 15, 2011 – 10:01 PM
Date of Death: September 15, 2011 – 10:16 PM
4 pounds, 12 ounces of beautiful. 19 inches of amazing.
Lu said:
I feel blessed to know you two very special and amazing people and to have “witnessed” Benjamin’s story unfold, even if only through your words. Thank you both for sharing your son’s story with us. You are absolutely right Eva, Ben was and is a miracle. He has taught all of us to appreciate life and the special people we meet along the way. I will be thinking of the 3 of you for quite some time. Xoxo, Lu.
Kristi (harleymaggiemae SC) said:
Eva – Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story about Benjamin’s birth and short time with you. He was, and is, an absolutely beautiful little boy. I’m so glad he was able to spend a few brief moments with his parents, who love him dearly. I know he’ll live on forever with all of you. Thinking of all of you during this incredibly difficult time.
laura said:
Sigh, I love him…
Tina said:
Eva , thank you for sharing such an emotional and precious time with us. You are right, your miracle was little Ben. Your words touch me like no others. You are amazing. Hugs. Tina
Anonykat said:
Eva, he is just exquisite. Thank you so much for sharing him with us. And I hope you’re not tired yet of being told what a gifted writer you are. For just a few minutes, I was transported by your words, to being in that room with you, watching this beautiful and tragic event unfold, smiling and crying with you at the wonder of who Ben is and the sorrow of him leaving all too soon.
I believe one day his story will be told to a much larger audience, whether through this blog, another blog, or a book. His is a story to be told, and it will be.
You all remain in my heart and in my prayers.
Nancy Nelson said:
Eva and Eddie, I am related to Cody and Angela Thomas (aunt to Cody) and have just finished reading your incredibly moving story of Benjamin’s birth and subsequent passing! I am so touched by your description of your emotions and thoughts leading up to this moment, as well as the love you feel for Benjamin! Thank you for sharing your story with so many….May God be with your during this time of grief!!! Nancy Nelson
Jessica Crane said:
You are an extraordinary woman, Eva. We have never met, but my heart breaks for you. What a phenomenally strong person you are.
I was close friends with Eddie many years ago; he is a quality guy. I am so glad that he has you in his life. You are an amazing couple and I’m sorry you had this unimaginable experience. It is something quite special when someone so fresh out of devastation can see the beauty in the events surrounding.
It’s been said before, but you are an excellent writer. I’m not sure if a writing career is something you’re already pursuing, if not, you may want to consider it.
I am so sorry for your immeasurable loss. You, Eddie, and your darling Ben are in my thoughts.
Jessica
Saatje (a mostly silent cyster...) said:
Eva,
Ben is an absolutely perfect little miracle! The love you have for him is so vivid and real, and it will be with you always. Thank you so much for sharing your miracle with us. My thoughts are with you as you continue this surreal journey… ~Elisa
Desiree said:
I am beyond amazed by you. You had the strength to accept the coming tragedy and yet you write about it so eloquently. My thoughts are with you and your husband. Thank you for sharing your amazing little boy with us. I can only hope to be as strong and graceful as you if ever I am faced with such tragedy
Natalie Erb said:
Eva,
Thank you for sharing Ben’s story. He is beautiful, perfect, and will be remembered always. Natalie (SC)
jodi [runnerduck fronm sc] said:
You are an amazing writer and an amazing mother and person. Thank you for sharing your story and picture of Ben.
Victoria said:
My heart sings and breaks for you.
Nicole (justagirlgirlgirl from sc) said:
What a beautifully written story of a beautiful baby boy and all of the lives that he has touched. Thank you for sharing your sweet Benjamin with us. Thinking of you and hoping that you find some moments of peace and comfort in the coming days.
Brandi said:
Eva.. this is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know reading this has taught me so much and I am inspired by the woman you are and the man Eddie is. You both are truly amazing parents. I love you three.
Audrey S. said:
Wow. What an amazing story and I couldn’t agree more that you told your story so very eloquently.
I have never had the pleasure of meeting such strong people as you and your husband. I live in phoenix and heard of your story through my relative Krista M. Who is friends with a relative of yours (I believe).
As a previous labor and delivery nurse, I often cared for families in your situation and my heart would break every time. There is nothing like that feeling and moment when Benjamin was placed in your arms and I hope you remember that moment always. Stay strong in the coming days and trust that your little miracle is in good hands up above 😉
Stark said:
Eva,
Thank you for sharing these intimate times in your family with us. Ben is beautiful.
Maria O. (mloverstreet) said:
Eva, I was incredibly moved by Benjamin’s story. You told it so beautifully and poignantly, capturing all the wonderful and painful moments so clearly. I admire the strength and courage you and your husband have exhibited in the most difficult of times.
Thank you for sharing your sweet little boy’s story. I wish you the very best in peace and comfort in the hard days to come.
Sharon said:
Eva..
mom and dad both think Ben is a beautiful baby and reminds them of Eddie at birth.. they see so much of him in Ben.. they say thank you for sharing your story and the picture.. He touched so many lives and will continue to do so.. see you guys soon..
Amanda Hegelheimer said:
What an incredible story. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
laura said:
I love his little gums…
Sharon said:
Eva..
There is somebody special waiting for Benjamin.. he has Leilani waiting for him.. and I know that she will embrace him and take special care of him and they will watch over you and Eddie. The pictures are so peaceful of him.. like he did his job.. now he could rest.. you both are so very brave and strong…I only wish I could be as strong..
Heather Polanco said:
Eva- you are a miracle as well!!
Hillary said:
Eva –
I just want to tell you how touched I have been by your story. I was given the information for your blog by your sister-in-law, Laura. And I feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to read about you and your amazing son. I can only imagine what you are going through, but please know that there are many people out there (like myself and my entire family) who has been praying for you, Ben, your husband, and the rest of your family. I wish that you could have had a lifetime of joy to spend with sweet Ben. However, i am so very happy to know that you at least had 15 perfect minutes. We will continue to keep you all in our thoughts and prayers during this time.
Sending you lots of hugs from Arizona.
Hillary and the whole Hallinan/Hutson Family
Shannon said:
Eva: your story touched me very deeply. We would like to send you a memory box from Mason’s Monarchs with Project Sweet Peas and would like to get an address to send it to. You (or anyone with a request) can email me at masonsmonarchs@gmail.org.
Joanna said:
Eva, Benjamin is indeed beautiful and amazing, and he has the best parents in the world. Still praying for you here in C’ville–for strength, peace, courage, and healing.
“You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” – C.S.Lewis
Cecilia (ccycling from SC) said:
Benjamin is beautiful. Thank you for being so open and sharing your story. ((hugs)) to you and your family. It’s been said many times but you are such an incredibly strong woman and mother.
Flavia (Farn SC) said:
Thank you so much for sharing baby Ben with us. He is so beautiful. May God bless you, your family and his little angel Ben.
Kristine (Chollie on SC) said:
Thank you for sharing your update, I’ve been following – both feeling the excitement and the heart-wrenching pain. Your story (and Ben) has deeply touched so many people,
That picture is absolutely precious.
I hope that you both have comfort and healing
sarah (babyme from SC) said:
My heart goes out to you and your family. Your Benjamin is a miracle indeed. May you find some peace that he is always and forever looking over you with beautiful wings to wrap himself around you when you need to feel him, to help carry you when you feel too weak to walk alone and fly with the angels I God’s glorious heaven.
Krista Morris said:
I am a friend of Laura Hill. I just wanted to say that I was very moved by your story. I just also personally want to say thanks for sharing your journey with all of us.
Creekprincess (SC) said:
Your story tugged at my heart, as it did many other’s. Your writing is amazing, and the descriptions you used made me feel like I know you & I was there. Ben is a beautiful baby. I was so happy to read that you had a little time with him. I pray that you will find courage, strength, and even some peace. Thank you so much for sharing your very personal story.
Lavitaebella said:
We’ve never met, but I am a lurker over on the SC board (lavitaebella). Eva, my husband and I have been following your story for several days and I am sitting here crying my eyes out. You and Eddie amaze me in your strength. I am so sorry for the loss of Benjamin. I’ve had you, Eddie, and Benjamin in my prayers for days now.
In closing I also wanted to say that you have a true gift with writing and I hope someday you might consider writing a book to share with other women who have gone through this. You truly have a gift with words.
Jessica D'Atri said:
He is just so beautiful, Eva. What a true angel he is.
Sheena (former sc'er Shejayd) said:
Thank you for having such courage to share your story. Congratulations on your angel in heaven, he was blessed to have you as his parents. I admire your strength is such a time of weakness. May the healing begin, and the grief be short. God Bless.
Stephanie, (StphnHrrll on SC) said:
Thank you for sharing Ben with everyone. Your story has touched me. I feel like I’m grieving with you. What a sweet boy you have and I’m thrilled of the precious moments that you were able to spend with him.
Audi10 said:
Thank you for sharing your story with us all. Ben is beautiful ,precious and who will be with you all forever. I have read your story and told my husband about it as well, we feel such deep sorrow for you/your family/and Ben. I hope you may find peace and healing. My FIL just went with the lord to be with his baby girl who passed in his arms after birth as well and just know when you go to be with the lord and ben, we will be there, healed of if CDH, and ready for you. God is good and he wil take Ben and make him better, he didnt suffer for once second,he had his parents love to guide him. Thinking of you all.
Sione said:
Eva: I’m wiping away huge tears now as I read your final entry. I am praying the God of all peace and comfort will wrap you in His loving arms and surround you and Eddie with supernatural strength during this difficult time. I will be praying for you every day. Love you so much, Sione
Julie Hopple said:
I have never read anything more beautiful.
Kathleen (Katy from SC) said:
I don’t know you but my heart is breaking for you and I cried while reading this. Benjamin is a beautiful little angel.
BeckyS727 said:
Eva – Thank you for sharing the beautiful story of Benjamin’s birth. You are an absolutely amazing woman! You and your family will remain in my prayers.
Shelly (shllss from sc) said:
I have been thinking of Benjamin all weekend….I wanted to thank you for bearing your heart and soul through your words for something that I cannot fathom. I will continue to pray for your family and beautiful Benjamin.
Nicole (justagirlgirlgirl from sc) said:
Still thinking of you and sweet Benjamin…
Courtney said:
Benjamin was just beautiful. He certainly was a miracle. Thank you for sharing his story with us. Gentle hugs to you, your husband and the rest of your family.
Kim said:
Eva, you are right that there are no real words that can comfort or console someone at a time like this. Please know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that your journey home is safe and that you find the support that you need there.
Trish said:
He is beautiful!
My prayers are with you and your family.
Kelli (Babekins SC) said:
Eva, Eddie & Family… I pray for you guys to find peace even though I know personally that the journey to it may be a long one, I pray you find small comforts along the way that help ease the heartache even if only for moments at a time. Benjamin will always be a miracle and he was a perfect, beautiful one at that. Through your eloquent writting he has been able to touch the lives of many others as well. Thank you for sharing him with everyone. If you ever want to talk you know my email, or you can re add me on FB I hope you are being gentle with yourselves and you’re surrounded by family.
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