Today we had an ultrasound, OB appointment, and tour of the Special Delivery Unit at CHOP. Because nothing new came up today, updating didn’t even cross my mind. But then I realized that today, we had an ultrasound and OB appointment…and there was no “new” bad news.
That hasn’t happened in a long time, and it should be noted.
The SDU tour was a little bit upsetting. I was anxious to see it in person, knowing that it would be where I’d deliver Benjamin. But as the NP was explaining the process to me, and showing me the window through which Ben would be passed for the NICU team, it became clear – once again – how different things are all of a sudden. How things are going to be a million miles away from what I’d imagined.
A nice surprise is that depending on his stability, they will wheel him into the room where I am for a little bit before taking him down to the full NICU. I didn’t expect that to be happening, and I’m still not banking on it…but it’s something, right?
One thing that is hard to get used to is how everyone seems to have an obligation to make it crystal clear that I won’t get to hold him after he’s born. I don’t know if they get a lot of women who don’t already realize this, but each person we meet with is sure to tell me again and again. And they don’t stop clarifying until I’m in tears. It’s like they don’t believe that I “get it” until they see tears, when really I’m just trying really hard not to cry while they explain to me what I am already aware of…and the tears only come because I can’t hold them back anymore.
As far as how things are going in general, we seem to be taking a different approach to it all while we wait for him to come. We’re [trying to] distract ourselves and realizing that we have truly done everything we can at this point. There’s nothing else that we can do to give him a better chance. So since we don’t know when the real stuff will begin, why not enjoy the wait?
Is this whole situation EVER out of my mind entirely? Absolutely not. There are just times I think about it more intensely than others. I don’t expect that to change in the coming weeks.
Fortunately, we are just one week away from being considered “term.” This is a huge deal, since each week increases his chance of survival – and we need every percentage point we can get.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychologist at CHOP to begin working through this from an emotional standpoint. I am so grateful.
Thanks, again, for reading. And for all of the support.